Blood, Snot, and Firewhiskey Shots
by Bob The Other Zombie
Summary: Fed up with their bickering during the staff holiday party, Rolanda Hooch and the Hogwarts staff lock Minerva McGonagall and Severus Snape into a broom closet until they agree to talk about something other than Quidditch. What follows is only what can be expected- bickering, wit, sarcasm, insults, and blood. MMSS friendship fluff. Oneshot.


**A/N: As always, me no own. Not so as always, happy holidays everyone! (even if you're reading this at a different point in time...I'm sure there's some sort of holiday coming up soon.)**

"This is highly inappropriate." said Minerva McGonagall.

It was unthinkable. One moment she and Severus Snape had both been at the staff week-before-winter-holidays party, tipsily arguing over this year's Quidditch, and the next, a more-than-tipsy Rolanda Hooch had threatened to lock them in a broom closet somewhere for the rest of the party if they didn't stop. And then she had. She actually had. Minerva's cheeks burned from the humiliation.

She felt Severus snort from somewhere above her head. "I am well aware, Minerva."

"I'm going to try and get my wand." she said. She removed one hand from the broom rack behind Severus and wriggled around, trying to get inside her robes. Unfortunately, it became clear after a few seconds that she was getting into quite a bit of Severus' robe, too.

"Minerva." he grunted.

"Sorry." she said, quickly extracting her hand. "Severus, I think I left my wand at the party. What do we do now?"

Severus snorted again. "What, your Gryffindor courage can't save us?"

"Oh, shut it." Minerva said. "I'm going to face the door now." She squirmed until she had her back to Severus and jiggled the doorknob. As she suspected, it didn't open. "It's locked."

"Of course it is." Severus said. "Did you really expect they'd just let us-"

"Will you just stop with the sarcastic comments for one second!" hissed Minerva. Severus, surprisingly, was silent. Minerva took a deep breath and pushed against the door. It gave a little. "Severus, I'm going to try and break down the door."

Behind her, she felt Severus nod.

She started lightly at first, just pushing with her arms so as to not back into Severus, but soon she was putting her whole body into it, slamming into the door with all of her strength. She only stopped when she heard Severus cry out in pain.

"Severus! Did I hurt you?"

"You elbowed me in the nose." he replied, sounding muffled. There was a loud sniff. "I don't think I'm bleeding. Too much."

"Oh, wonderful." Minerva snapped. "And the door won't open, either. It must be locked with magic."

"Let me try." he said. Minerva and Severus squirmed around until he was the one with his back to the door and she had her back against the broom rack. Minerva fought to get her hands off of his chest, instead wiping them on her robes.

"Here, let me transform." she said. "It'll give you more room. Just don't step on me."

She shrunk down into her cat form, pressing against the wall to avoid his feet. As a cat, she could see the closet much better. There wasn't much to see- the bulky broom rack with all of the old school brooms standing straight like soldiers, and Severus, pushing against the door with blood running down his face. He turned so that his shoulder was against the door and threw his full weight behind it, but all he managed to do was rattle the broom rack. While he took a break, Minerva weaved around his legs and sniffed at the door. It was locked with magic, all right. She returned to where her dress lay in a pile and butted against Severus's ankles until he moved forward to give her room. Then she transformed again in a squat, pressed between Severus' legs and the broom rack.

"Don't worry, I'm can't see you." Severus said as she struggled to pull her dress back up her body. "Not that I particularly want to anyways..."

"It doesn't matter. If they were to find us in here like this..."

"Point taken." said Severus. "I'm guessing by your retransformation that you found something out?"

"They did lock the door with magic." Minerva said, fumbling with her dress. She was pretty sure the buttons were supposed to be in the back, not the front, but she couldn't worry about that now. "We'll have a time getting out. Do you have your wand?"

"Of course I have my wand." said Severus disdainfully. She heard him fumbling in his robes. "I'm not like some foolish Gryffindors who would let themselves get pushed and shoved into a closet with no..." He stopped.

"You were saying?" Minerva asked.

"The madwoman must've stolen it." he grumbled. "I'm going to sit down now." For a few seconds, they shuffled around, and, although Minerva was never sure afterwards whose leg was whose and whose feet ended up where, they were comfortable. Sort of. The bristles of the broomsticks were poking into Minerva's back and hair, and she was fairly certain Severus had one foot propped up on a wall.

There was silence for a little while. From somewhere to her right, she could hear Severus breathing heavily through his large, hooked nose, his shoulder pressed up warmly against her own. She had half a mind to ask whether he had allergies or if that was just his normal breathing. Instead, she asked, "What do we do now?"

"Wait." Severus said. "Until the party is over and they decide to let us out. Then I may slip something special in their drinks tomorrow at breakfast." He sniffed again, loudly. "This blood is getting everywhere."

"Here, let me get it." Minerva said, feeling around for her cloak. She hadn't bothered to put it back on after transforming back. "Maybe you can use this to wipe it off." She proffered the cloak in the direction she thought his head was and heard him yelp in pain.

"Minerva, that was my nose!" he snapped, voice sounding pinched.

"Oh, oh, I am so sorry, here, take it anyways-" She felt the cloak leave her hand and tried not to think of getting Severus' blood and snot on her favorite cloak. It had to be done. After a few moments, she heard him sniffle again.

"At least I won't have to worry about being trapped in here for hours." he muttered. "You'll kill me soon enough."

"I'm glad you're all right." Minerva said. "Just try and stop the bleeding and you'll be fine." She racked her brain, trying to think of what Poppy would do in this situation. Wasn't there some Muggle remedy she could try? "Lean your head back, way back-"

"As if I have room." said Severus. "I'd have to lie down, and you know how possible that is."

"Well, you could lie down on my lap right here." Minerva said. "I'm sure I could- ack!" She hadn't expected the Potion Master's head to be quite that heavy.

"Stay still, will you, I'm trying to get comfortable." he said.

"Comfortable?" Minerva gasped. "What about me?" She slowly regained her breath as his owl-sized head stopped shifting around. Minerva briefly wondered how he had gotten down there- surely he must be sitting upside down now with his legs up against the wall. There was a pause and Minerva became acutely aware of how improper this position would seem if a student happened to find them. They looked like a pair of hormonal teenagers. "I'm glad all the students are in bed by now." she said.

"Except the prefects." Severus pointed out, voice more nasal than usual.

"Of course, the prefects!" she said. "They should be able to get us out! They patrol around here, don't they?"

"I don't know." Severus said. "I don't know where 'here' is."

Minerva couldn't resist such an opening. "Well, that certainly explains your team's performance on the Quidditch field."

Severus groaned. "Minerva, are you really going to-"

"When even the Head of House doesn't pay attention to where he's going, it's no wonder they've lost the Snitch to Harry Potter since he was a first year."

"Fascinating." Severus drawled. "But it doesn't help get us out of here."

"I thought you'd given up."

"I am suddenly finding something about this room stuffy and insufferable."

"I am suddenly finding something about this room a grumpy old bat." said Minerva.

"Your witticisms consistently astound me, even after all these years." Severus said. "I particularly admire your use of the world 'old' when you are at least twice my age."

"I'm not that old, Severus." Minerva said. "Only twenty years older than you."

"You taught me at Hogwarts."

"Yes, and I am beginning to regret not flunking you then so you would have never gotten this job and we would never be in this situation." said Minerva.

"I am beginning to regret betraying You-Know-Who and coming to Hogwarts." Severus said. "Then someone would probably have killed or thrown me in Azkaban and we wouldn't be here."

Minerva didn't respond, and Severus seemed to realize he had gone too far. "It was a joke, Minerva."

"Don't joke about that." Minerva said. "Especially not during wartime."

"Yes, Professor."

"No, Severus, I mean it." Minerva said. "This may come as a surprise to you, but I am not fond of the idea of you being dead or in Azkaban. And besides that, that joke was completely inappropriate."

Severus was silent again, for so long she'd thought he'd moved on. Her mind had already begun wandering to creative ways to take revenge on Rolanda when he spoke again.

"The sentiment is mutual." he said. "I would not want you dead or in Azkaban either, for whatever reason. Possibly because all the blood is currently rushing to my head, or maybe being in such close quarters with you is driving me bonkers."

"Yes, well, all the more reason to get out of here." Minerva said. "I'm going to kick on the door, maybe one of the prefects will hear us."

"No, wait, Minerva, don't-"

It was too late. Minerva banged on the door with her foot. In doing so, she managed to both jostle Severus' head off her lap and onto the hard floor and and hit the stack of broomsticks behind her with enough force to send brooms raining down on them.

"And they say professors are intelligent." Severus muttered. "Well, at least I know where your team gets its brains from, particularly your Beaters-"

"Shut it or I swear I will hex you the minute I get my wand back." Minerva said. "Are you all right?"

"Well, I have kind of a nose bleed-"

"I said shut it."

"No, I distinctly remember you asking me a question."

"Yes, but your sarcasm isn't helping anything."

"On the contrary, I think it adds a certain humor to the situation." said Severus. "A man stuck in a closet with a Gryffindor and a bleeding nose should be allowed to make jokes." His voice sounded worryingly dreamy and slurred.

"Severus, are you sure you're all right?" Minerva asked.

"I think the blood might be going too far to my head." he said. "And I had a few drinks at the party..."

"Well, sit up, then." Minerva said. "And don't you dare vomit on me."

Severus sat up, knocking several broomsticks and kicking Minerva in the chest. "Ow!" she said. To top things off, one of the broomsticks he shifted around connected solidly with her face, breaking a lense on her glasses and giving her what she was sure would be a black eye tomorrow. "Ow, ow, for Merlin's sake, stop moving!"

"I don't think I can move anymore." Severus said weakly. He tried to bring a hand to his forehead, but, seeing how he was practically in Minerva's lap, all he managed to do was hit Minerva in the side of the head. "I feel...dizzy."

Minerva wrapped her arms around him, trying to hold him upright. "Well, don't pass out, either." she said. "I can't support your weight, and you'll just hit your head again and probably kill me with a broomstick in the process."

"Oh, thank you so much for that advice." Severus said. "I think I sat up too quickly."

"Well, that much is obvious." Minerva said. "I'll send a Patronus to Poppy and she can get us out-"

"With what wand?"

Right as Minerva was about to let loose with one of her worse swearing fits since her teaching career had begun, the doorknob rattled loudly. They both froze and stared up at it.

Someone banged on the other side. "You might as well come out!" a female voice called- a student, Minerva thought, hopefully a Prefect. "I heard you two in there snogging, it's after curfew, you could at least go up to your Common Room!"

"Miss Abbot?" Minerva called. She slapped a hand over Severus' face to keep him from saying anything- she didn't want the rumor to get out that two Professors were snogging in a broom closet- but she accidentally hit his nose again and he hissed in pain.

Luckily, Hannah was too busy being embarrassed to notice. "Oh my Merlin, I am so sorry, Professor, I thought you were two students snogging, I heard some brooms moving around and I thought I heard a male voice and-"

"That would be me, Miss Abbot." Severus said.

"Severus! Hush!" snapped Minerva. She could practically hear the Abbot girl's jaw crack as it no doubt fell open in shock. "Miss Abbot, do you know where the staff lounge is?"

"Y-yes, Professor." said Hannah Abbot.

"Then I want you to go there immediately and bring back Madame Hooch and Madame Pomfrey. Do not stop to talk to anyone, do not tell anyone about what you think you heard here, or I will personally ensure you are expelled. Do you understand me?"

"Y-yes, Professor McGonagall." said Hannah Abbot, and they heard her footsteps hurrying away.

"It'll be all over the castle by tomorrow night." Severus said.

"Yes, I know." said Minerva, leaning her head against the now-empty broom rack. "But there is no good explanation we can give them. And you didn't have to speak up, anyways."

"She would've found out anyways." Severus said. "Really, do you think she's not going to find some excuse to watch while they let us out?"

"Well, I've dealt with worse before. There used to be this ludicrous rumor going around that Albus and I were involved. He is certainly one of my closest friends, but he was well over fifty when I was born."

"I remember that from when I was at Hogwarts." Severus said. "I seem to remember you two kissing under the mistletoe my sixth year."

"Yes, well, it was in the spirit of Christmas. And the Marauders enchanted that." Minerva said. "Neither of us could do anything about it."

They were silent again for a few more minutes. until finally, they heard voices and giggling coming up the corridor.

"That doesn't sound like just Rolanda and Poppy." said Severus.

"No, of course not, they've brought the entire staff with them." Minerva said. "You know how these parties are, anything for entertainment."

"Wonderful." Severus said.

"Have you two agreed to stop arguing about Quidditch?" Rolanda called from outside the door.

"Yes, Rolanda, we won't talk about Quidditch for the rest of the party."

"Not that you should mind seeing as you're the Quidditch coach-"

"Hush, Severus." Minerva said. "Can we come out of time out now?"

"Hmm..." said Rolanda. "I was going to let you, but now that Severus is questioning my job..."

"Please, Rolanda, it's very cramped in here, and Severus needs to see Poppy. He's got a nosebleed."

"Fine." said Rolanda. "You may come out, on one condition. I want you two to shake hands and tell the other how good their Quidditch team is."

"No." said Severus.

"Severus!" said Minerva.

"I'm sorry, but I cannot tell lies." he said. "Dumb luck doesn't make a good team."

"Neither do expensive brooms." Minerva said. "However, winning the Quidditch cup for several years running..."

"Oh, yes, I think Slytherin had a streak going for seven years." Severus said. "You seem to forget about that so easily."

"While you remember it for far too long." said Minerva. "All of those players have graduated, even Flint, and Gryffindor's got the best team this year-"

"Sounds like you two will be staying in there for a long time!" said Rolanda.

"Fine." Severus said. He felt along Minerva's arm until he reached her hand. "Minerva, your team is good in that due to an extraordinary amount of luck, and, yes, a smattering of skill, you have, on occasion, managed to scrape together a victory at the last possible moment."

"Scrape together." Minerva snorted.

"Say your piece so we can get out of here." Severus said.

"Well, Severus, your team might actually be good as well, as even though they haven't won the Quidditch cup in half a decade, they still usually manage to beat Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, so I suppose that means they've got some talent." Minerva said. "But not as much talent as Gryffindor."

"Thank Merlin." Rolanda said. "Anything else you want to make them do?"

"That was not in the deal we made!" Minerva called.

The staff ignored her, too busy coming up with ideas. Somehow, over all of the chattering of what sounded like most of the adults at Hogwarts, the worst suggestion posible still managed to make itself heard.

"Make them kiss!" Pomona Sprout shouted.

"Oh, Merlin, no." Minerva said. "I refuse, absolutely, as Deputy Headmistress I use my authority to refuse-"

"I think that sounds like a wonderful idea!" said Poppy Pomfrey, the traitor. "Come on, you two, it's in the spirit of Christmas!"

Minerva groaned.

"Let's just get it over with." said Severus, and he kissed her.

It was disgusting. Besides his lips being the exact texture of cold, limp noodles days after they are cooked, he still tasted like half-dried blood and snot, and a little bit of the Firewhiskey shots they'd had at the party. Minerva came away gagging as the professors outside cheered.

"That wasn't good for me, either." Severus said. "I have a few potions that work as lip balms and breath fresheners. I highly suggest you use some."

"Get us out of here this instant!" Minerva said, resisting the urge to shove Severus into the nearest wall.

"Fine." Rolanda said, and opened the door. It was only when the professors fell into a stunned silence at the sight of them that Minerva realized just how inappropriate of a position they were in- Severus sitting in her lap with her cloak and arms wrapped around him, and her with her dress crookedly buttoned on backwards and his blood on her lips. And of course they both had mussed hair and clothing from so much squirming around and Severus' nosebleed and her broken glasses-

"What have you two been doing in here?" Poppy asked.

"The more important question is why is she still here?" Minerva said, pointing to Hannah Abbot. "This is not appropriate at all for a student to see, half of you are drunk on Firewhiskey shots for Merlin's sake-"

"I will handle it." Severus said, knocking another broom into Minerva's shoulder as he stood. He stalked over to Hannah Abbot and leaned in close. "Miss Abbot, I know Professor McGonagall has already threatened you with expulsion if you tell anyone what you have seen here, but I think the holidays and her old age are making her soft. If you tell a single other person about this, I will ensure that, instead of going home over break, you will stay here, serving detentions all day with myself, Professor Umbridge, and Caretaker Filch. And I will let Caretaker Filch use the type of detention he has always wanted to use. Are we clear?"

Hannah Abbot nodded frantically. Minerva thought she looked as though she were about to soil herself, or maybe gag from the smell of Severus' bloody nose.

"Very well. You are dismissed. Go back to your common room."

"But sir, my patrol doesn't end until-"

"You. Are. Dismissed."

Hannah Abbot practically ran down the hallway away from them. As soon as she was out of sight, the staff burst into laughter.

"Well, that was a nice little break from the party." Poppy said, helping Minerva stand. "I guess I should treat you two, and then we can all get back to-"

"Give me my wand before I fire you all." said Minerva.

* * *

A week later, Minerva's last class before holiday break was just ending when Severus slouched in, looking even more out of place than usual.

Minerva finished up her class and dismissed them with a "Have a happy holidays." Several were glanced at Severus curiously as they exited, but she supposed the Potions Master in her classroom was unusual enough on its own. It might not be because a certain blonde Hufflepuff had told her friends what she'd seen while patrolling.

"Yes, Severus?"

"I brought you this. Early Christmas present." he said, handing her a parcel. She tore it open, expecting to see a copy of _101 Famous Slytherin Quidditch Players- _she'd given him the Gryffindor equivalent last year- but instead it was a new book on Transfiguration theory, one that she had had her eye on since its release.

She looked up at him. "What's this?"

"I thought you might want it." he said, avoiding her eyes. "Er, thank you. For saying what you said about not enjoying the thought of me being..."

"Merlin, Severus, half the staff feels that way, only you never leave your dungeon to find out." Minerva said. "It's been fourteen years since you were a Death Eater, most of us have forgiven you by now."

Severus still looked uncomfortable. "Well...thank you."

"You're like a pet to us." said Minerva. "A grumpy, sarcastic, cynical old pet."

"Better than a batty old maid." Severus said, a smile tugging at the edge of his lips.

"And here I was about to feel guilty enough to get you something other than a Gryffindor scarf for Christmas." said Minerva. "Maybe I'll get an autographed picture of Harry Potter playing Quidditch and give that to you. He is the best Seeker at Hogwarts, you know."

Severus was smiling now- or at least the closest thing to a genuine smile Minerva had ever seen him give. "Happy Christmas, Minerva."

"Happy Christmas, Severus." Minerva said.


End file.
